Using All the Positive Parenting Skills

In order to work out whether you are using all the positive parenting skills that are available to you, think about the particular behaviour you would like your children to change and consider it in the light of the following questions.

Ask yourself…	Possible cause of the problem	How to improve the situation
Are you avoiding arguing with your children?	Your children may tempt you into arguments and you may get drawn in without realising it. Then they think that doing what you ask means that you have won and they have lost.	Remember that your aim is to progress, not to win, and that arguments always end up with two losers, so avoid them at any cost.
Is what you are expecting your children to do realistic?	You may sometimes ask for more than your children are capable of doing at their present developmental stage, and get upset when they fail.	Keep your expectations as long-term goals. In the meantime, take little steps towards what you want your children to do. For example, sitting at the table for only two minutes and increasing it gradually.
Are you setting your children a good example?	You may sometimes behave in the very way that you require your children not to behave – shouting, for example – and your children copy you.	You need either to improve your own behaviour or accept that your children will not behave as well as you would like them to.
Are your children bored?	Your children may not find anything interesting to do so they misbehave or bicker with each other.	Create opportunities for your children to play safely whenever possible. Play together when you can, and help them find ways to occupy themselves
Are you using a lot of descriptive praise when your children are doing things right?	You may be so preoccupied or frustrated that you forget to use descriptive praise.	You need to praise each young child descriptively at least ten times every day – this does not come naturally at first, but it works!
Are you praising your children’s efforts, not just their achievements?	Your children may find things too difficult and therefore give up.	Praise effort so that your and children will be motivated to keep on trying, even if good results are not immediate.
Does your child get enough physical affection?	You may be so exhausted that you don’t have enough left to give.	See if you can get help and support so that you can take better care of yourself and your child.
Do you remember to do reflective listening when your children are upset?	You may get so upset by your children’s behaviour that you find it difficult to think about their needs and feelings.	Your child is having a problem, not being a problem! Use reflective listening if you can, and avoid going up the mountain of anger yourself.
Do you have anger-management strategies in place?	You may hope that everything will be okay and forget to teach your children to deal with anger	Discuss ways to deal with anger and rehearse them when everybody is in a good mood.
Are you giving all these strategies enough time to work?	You may try things once or twice and when they don’t work at once, do something else instead. Out of the best intentions, you may become inconsistent.	Keep on practising all the positive skills even if you don’t see immediate results. If you see the value of these ideas and skills and need more support in putting them into practice, try talking to parents who have already done this or joining a parenting class.

This excerpt is from Miriam Chachamu’s book, How to Calm a Challenging Child, published by Foulsham books and available on Amazon.

Miriam is a successful Family Psychotherapist and a Human Givens Practitioner, working in NW London.

For further information, please go to: www.enjoyyourchildren.com