The Six Step Method

Getting Back in Charge

Children who experience our Positive, Firm and Consistent approach become more co-operative over time. When all the adults caring for our children use the combination of Descriptive Praise, Preparing for Success, establishing Rules and Routines and Reflective Listening, our children will be motivated to behave well. They will also find it easier to do the right thing because they are receiving a consistent, clear message about what they need to be doing, together with rewards for good behaviour, and consequences for misbehaviour.

However, children are not robots, so even when all these skills are in place, children do not always co-operate immediately. Following the adults’ instructions is a habit, and all habits take a while to learn. Children who have been used to getting what they want by misbehaving are not going to change overnight. We need a way to get back in charge – to show our children that we mean what we say, and that they do need to follow our instructions, even when they would prefer not to.

The Six Step Method is designed to do just that – to help a child into the habit of doing what we say, even when he doesn’t want to.

The Six Steps

First let’s look at the six steps:-

1. Stop what you are doing, stand near your child and look at him.
2. Wait until your child stops what he is doing and looks at you.
3. Give the instruction – clearly, simply and only once.
4. Ask the child to repeat the instruction back to you – accurately, thoroughly and in his own words.
5. Stand and wait.
6. While you are standing and waiting, Descriptively Praise every step in the right direction, no matter how small. Also Reflectively Listen to how the child might be feeling about what you have just asked him to do.

Why are all the above steps important?

1. Stop what you are doing, stand near your child and look at him.
   • If your child is not in the habit of co-operating and you ask him to do something without first giving him your full attention, he is not likely to take you seriously and follow your instructions because even you don’t seem to be taking the instructions seriously. It is common for parents to tell their child to tidy his room or do his homework, while they keep doing their own work. Hours later they find out that their child didn’t do what he was asked to do.
2. Wait until your child stops what he is doing and looks at you.
   • You need to get your child’s attention before giving your instructions. Otherwise, he might not hear you or take you seriously. We often underestimate the time it takes our child to move his thoughts away from what he is doing and to start concentrating on what we are saying. Getting the child to look at you also makes it harder for him to pretend he didn’t hear you. The first two steps also show that we respect the child. We are treating the child as calmly and politely as we would treat a friend or a stranger. Children respond positively to a friendly, calm approach.
3. Give the instruction – clearly, simply and only once.
   • Giving the instruction only once is important. If you repeat yourself, your child will learn that he doesn’t need to do what you ask the first time you say it. Instead, he will learn that he can wait until you start nagging or become upset. We want to teach the child to do what he is told almost immediately.
4. Ask the child to repeat the instruction back to you – accurately, thoroughly and in his own words.
   • Once your child has repeated your instruction in his own words, you both know that he has understood it. He is also more likely to do what you asked after he himself has said what he needs to do.
5. Stand and wait.
   • While we wait for the child to do what he is told, we need to stand rather than sit. Standing conveys authority; we are showing that we are in charge and that we mean what we say.
6. While you are standing and waiting: Descriptively Praise every step in the right direction, no matter how small. Also Reflectively Listen to how the child might be feeling about what you have just asked him to do.
   • Praising is very important. The child needs to get the message that we still like him, that he is progressing in the right direction, and that we are sure that he is going to co-operate. We can also use Reflective Listening by saying that we can see that it is not easy for him to do what we ask. Staying positive and praising are difficult for people who are not yet trained in our methods. It goes against most people’s habit. We will discuss this in the next section.

Frequently Asked Questions

Below are some frequently asked questions about the Six Step Method.

What if my child doesn’t do what I ask? I don’t have hours to stand and wait for him.

It is rare for children to refuse to follow instructions for long, when you do each of the six steps. Usually, what makes children angry and defiant is the parents’ annoyance, nagging, blaming and lecturing. When, instead, you stay calm, your child will usually want to cooperate. However, if your child is not yet in the habit of co-operating most of the time, following your instruction might take longer than you wish. Therefore we suggest that you pause for a moment before giving your child an instruction that you sense he may not like. Plan ahead to make sure that you have the time to follow through with all 6 steps, in case this turns out to be necessary. Over time, your child will see that you really do follow through until he cooperates, so he will obey you more and more quickly – most of the time!

If your child is less cooperative than you would like, it is even more important that you make achieving the habit of co-operation your top priority. Following the Six Step Method might result, the first few times, in your child being late for school, or your not having time to prepare dinner or having to postpone a trip. All these inconveniences are much less important than getting your child to co-operate with you. Eating sandwiches for dinner for a few days because you did not have time to cook, or even a few days of arriving late at school are not going to damage you or your child in the long run. But a child who does not easily co-operate will present more and more problems to you and to society as he grows up to become a teenager and then a young adult.

As with all the other skills we teach, you need to invest more time and effort now in order to benefit yourself, your child and your family in the long term.

Does this method always work?

Yes, if you don’t give up on it. In our years and years of experience, we have never seen it fail. That is because all children want to please their parents, as long as we are friendly and calm. It also always works because there is no Step 7 that says: After a while, give up.

However, please note:

The Six Step Method should be used only when you believe your child knows how to do what you have asked. If you ask a child to do something he cannot do or that he believes he cannot do, then he probably needs some
support from you to be able to follow your instruction. The Six Step Method is designed to deal with lack of co-operation, not lack of skill. If your child lacks the skill to do what you asked, you will need to
teach him how to do it.

For example, we sometimes ask children to do things that are too difficult for them academically. If a child truly believes that he cannot write his history essay, or if he doesn’t know how to answer a maths question, he needs some help and guidance from us. Just insisting that he get on with his homework will not make him do it.

What do I do if my child leaves the room after I ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do?

We suggest that you do not follow him. Sooner or later, he will come back wanting something. You can then say that you will discuss whatever it is he wants as soon as he does what you have asked him to do. If we follow our child around the house, we let him lead us. Instead, we need to be in charge! We cannot control our child and force him to do what we ask at any specific moment. But, over time, by using these new skills, we can influence him and get him into the habit of co-operation.

When my child is watching TV or playing computer games he doesn’t pay any attention to anything I say to him. What can I do?

We recommend that watching TV and playing electronic games take place only after the child has completed everything he has to do, from homework to household chores. Once your child has earned his “screen time” by completing all his tasks, let him enjoy it, and interrupt him as little as you possibly can. However, if you really do need to interrupt him, ask him to turn away from the screen so that he can give you his full attention. If he is not willing to do that, you can turn the TV off temporarily. You can ‘Prepare for Success‘ for the times you might need to interrupt his screen time by discussing what he needs to do if you do interrupt. Of course, you need to do the preparing before you switch the TV on, or before he starts the computer game.

If TV or computers are a constant problem in your home, and you feel your children arebecoming addicted, we recommend you get rid of all screens for a while, until you are back in charge. Many families who were very worried about how their children would react to this bold move have tried it and reported success.

I know that in Step 6 I need to praise my child. What can I Descriptively Praise my child for when he is not doing what he is supposed to do?

Descriptively Praising a misbehaving child is not easy. It goes against our instincts and our habit. However, it does work!

We can praise every tiny step in the direction we want. For example, we might
say:-

• “You are already sitting on your chair”, when the child is sitting on his chair but still refusing to do his homework.
• “You are touching your jacket. You know that now is the time to put it on”.

We can praise good past behaviour:-

• “You are improving in doing what you are asked to do. Yesterday you did everything I asked you to do, with almost no arguments. I know it won’t take you long to do what you need to do now”.
• “You know how to keep your room tidy. In fact, you kept it tidy for a whole week”.

We can praise the absence of bad behaviour:-

• “Even though you are not sitting down to do your homework just yet, you are not being rude about it”.
• “I can see that you don’t like this food, but you are not pushing your plate away”.

When Descriptively Praising the absence of bad behaviour, we should only mention things that the child sometimes does. If a child is rarely rude, or never pushes his plate away, we will need to praise something else. Otherwise we might sound patronising.

Do I always need to go through all the 6 steps?

Eventually, most children will follow the instruction as soon as you give it (Step 3). All you need to do then is to praise them or thank them for following your instruction without any argument.

After a while many children will do what they are supposed to do before they even hear the instructions because your presence (Step 1) is enough to remind them of what they have to do, and they just go and do it. Once again, of course you don’t need to go through the remaining steps.

My child sometimes knows exactly what he needs to do. How do I get him to do it on his own, without my having to give the instruction?

If your child is likely to know what he needs to do, you can ask him: “What do you need to do now?” instead of giving the instruction in Step 3. If your child says he doesn’t know, get him to take a guess.

Good Luck!

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