Surviving Your Child’s Behaviour

You and your child

When you are dealing with children it is important to realise that your attitude towards them may affect their behaviour. Nowhere is this more evident than with a child who has ADHD. Because of previous experience the child may regard you with apprehension, expecting to be criticised and rejected. If you approach her in an anxious frame of mine, she will most probably fulfil your expectations.

A child who has ADHD is likely to be more sensitive than others and will react adversely to any feeling of insecurity. If you think of her as a threat there is a good chance that you will provoke a defensive reaction from her; if you see and interpret her behaviour differently, you may find that it changes according to your attitude. A great deal of our apprehension of difficult children is caused by ignorance. We are not sure how we feel about them, or how we feel about ourselves when faced with one of their disruptive outbursts. We are not sure what it is that makes us feel as we do when we have been through one of these traumatic experiences.

In this chapter I shall ask you a number of questions to help you clarify how you feel about your difficult child. I hope that you will answer them seriously and afterwards read my comments. The questions may seem trite and of no value, but they are intended to help you think deeply about yourself, so take your time in answering them. The more deeply you think, the more you will be able to create an effective personal approach to the child with ADHD.

There is therefore no time limit to the questions and exercises. I would suggest, however, that if you are answering a question in less than five minutes you are missing a golden opportunity to get to know yourself just that little bit better. It is important for you to read all the questions and my comments, even though some are addressed to specific people. If you do this you may come to a greater appreciation of the way others see the difficult child. You will need a pencil and paper, and time when you can be away from your child. Please note that you are not allowed to use yes and no answers.

Question: To Parents and Others

Do you see your child as:

self-centred?
a disappointment?
an embarrassment?
a nuisance?
frightening?

Comments

1 If you see your child as self-centred, I presume that she makes you feel unwanted and insignificant. She may not appear to take any interest in you; she may seem able to exist on her own. The world seems to revolve around her.

If she makes you feel like this it could be because you are not strong enough in yourself. When she is hyperactive, impulsive and seemingly concerned only with herself, in your weak state you become upset and confused. This may be because you need her more than you think, and resent it when she appears to disregard your presence.

The answer could be (1) to become independent of her and more of a person in your own right (we shall discuss how to approach this later in the chapter) and (2) to remind yourself that her behaviour is a reflection of her condition. If your child has ADHD she will, because of her distractibility and impulsivity, appear to be self-centred; combined with hyperactivity this may present her as a loud, egocentric and obnoxious individual. By regarding her behaviour as an indication of her medical condition, and by seeing yourself as a separate person, you may be able to think more objectively about things. You will be in a better position to provide for her needs.

2 If you see your child as a disappointment, it may be that from the very beginning you had false expectations of her. All parents have a mental picture of how they would like their child to grow up. There is also a tendency for them to relive their lives through their children. Some parents do this more than others.

If you have a fixed idea of what you would like your child to be, then you will either be disappointed or, if she conforms, she may be unfulfilled. Children should be regarded as individuals, emotionally attached but increasingly separate from their parents. Parents should recognise also that their children will continually change. If you have expectations which are beyond her capabilities, the behaviour of your child with ADHD will deteriorate: she will become more distractible, impulsive and hyperactive. She is more sensitive than others to failure and will express her frustration.

Her present behaviour may be a disappointment to you, but if you are to understand her you should ask whether her behaviour is a reaction to your unrealistic demands, or a reflection of your own sense of failure in life. If you are unhappy with your lot, there is a good chance that you will inflict your disappointment on her.

Imagine that instead of having behavioural problems your child had epilepsy. Would your attitude to her be any different? Remember that ADHD is a physical condition. Could you still say that she is a disappointment to you? To say this implies that she can control herself, but is choosing not to. If you maintain this stance you will make little progress with her for you will be starting from a position of rejection rather than acceptance.

3 If you see your child as an embarrassment it is clear that you see her as part of yourself. You should not do this. If you see any child, and especially a difficult child, as an extension of yourself you will become more and more frustrated. You must regard her as a separate, unique individual who is related to you through birth. You care for her and love her, but you are not responsible for her characteristics.

Again, you are not seeing her as a child who is disabled; you are still looking upon her as someone who has full control over her distractibility, impulsivity and hyperactivity. She is consciously and deliberately causing problems and you do not want to be associated with her. You should see your child’s behaviour as a symptom of her condition. She has to learn how to cope with this and you must help her.

Perhaps she is an embarrassment to you because she seems to reflect all your worst points. If you feel this you should ask yourself how much of your personality you project onto her behaviour and why you do this. Do you think that perhaps you live too much under her skin, that you try too much to do her feeling for her? A solution may be to become strong in yourself, to assume your own identity, and to stop trying to live through your child.

You should explain her disability to your friends – you will have to do this if you are to succeed in helping her. If you take time to explain her difficulties to others, there should be no need for you to feel embarrassed. When explaining matters to them be careful not to do this in front of her, since you may promote the very image that you would hope to extinguish.

4 If you see your child as a nuisance and getting in the way of other things which you may wish to do, she will sense this and feel rejected. On the other hand, if you wish to see her behaviour improve, you yourself must have some strong personal interests other than her. This should not present a problem if you have hobbies and leisure interests and are genuinely enthusiastic about pursuing them; she will appreciate that you are not rejecting her but fulfilling one of your own needs. She will benefit in that she will have a more clearly defined picture of who you are and what you stand for; you will become a separate person in her eyes, not just an extension of herself.

If you have no personal interests, see this as something requiring immediate attention. Do not be afraid of your child’s reaction when you first attend that nightclass, or when you first go jogging. Unless you become stronger in yourself you will never be able to help her. If you have recruited friends to help you, you will have explained this plan of action to them and they will realise that it is part of a definite strategy.

It is important for your child to realise that she is not at the centre of the universe. A difficult child will tend to think this, and her parent will usually accommodate her. If you really care for your child you will see it as your duty to do something separate from her. You need to see yourself as being something more than an exhausted and frustrated parent; she needs to see you as someone who has strength; she will sense this if she knows of your other interests in life. She will of course feel rejected when you first leave her, but if you are going with the interests of both of you in mind, then with time the strategy will work. If you see her as a nuisance you will neither leave her nor return to her in the right frame of mind; you will be faced with an escalation in her poor behaviour and will soon lose your helpers.

You may say that you will soon lose your helpers anyway because your child will relish the thought of you going out and will lead them a merry dance on your departure. This kind of thinking will get you nowhere.Youare back at square one, with your life centring around your highly manipulative and demanding child. You must put yourself first before she can begin to receive your help.

It may be hard for you to do this, but to be kind you have to be realistic. You must again think of your child as being handicapped and look at the situation objectively. Prepare your helpers and take the risk. Ask yourself what will happen to your child if you do not.

5 If you see your child as frightening, then it is clear that you have lost control, over her and over yourself. You must begin by gaining control over yourself. Start with the following exercises. You will find it very useful to go through them with a close friend. A good way to do them is for each of you to complete them on your own and then to discuss them with each other. Sharing can make you stronger.

This article is an extract from ‘ADHD: How to Deal with Very Difficult Children’ by Alan Train, published by Souvenir Press.

Alan Train was the headmaster of a school for children with emotional problems, learning difficulties and behavioural problems for many years. The author of several books, he has also worked for a charity supporting parents who are under stress.