Rules and Routines

Doing the ‘Right’ Thing

We all want our children to behave well at home, at school and with their friends. We want them to ‘do the right thing’, and to stay out of trouble. We want this for our own sakes because children who are co-operative and self-reliant are much nicer and easier to live with. We also want this for the child’s sake because a child who behaves in an acceptable way is more likely to get approval and praise from the people around him, and is likely to be happier and more confident as a result.

In order for children to get the approval and praise that is so good for them, they need to follow the ‘code of behaviour’ that is expected of them in our society. In other words, we want our children to adopt our own set of values: we want our children to be respectful towards others, to do their best at school, to be organised, friendly, honest and caring.

How can we pass on these important values to our children?

A few children seem to adopt their parents’ values just from observing the parents. Other children don’t behave the way we expect them to, even when we set them a good example.

There can be several reasons for their misbehaviour:-

• They might not understand fully what we want them to do.
• They might believe what we want is too difficult for them to do.
• Even though they know what we want, and even though it is not very difficult for them, they might not be in the habit of doing the right thing, so they don’t even try.
• They might not take us seriously if sometimes we shout, sometimes we plead or lecture or threaten, sometimes we give in, and sometimes we barely seem to notice what they are doing.
• For some children, misbehaving is more fun!

Setting up rules and routines, and following through on them, addresses all these possible reasons for misbehaviour. Let’s see how this can be done.

What’s in a rule?

A rule needs to have two parts:-

1. State clearly what we want the child to do.
2. State clearly the rewards and consequences. That means, what will happen if the child does, or does not do, what we require.

An Example of a Rule for Problem Behaviour

Problem behaviour:

Child drops all his belonging on the floor the moment he gets into the house from school.

We make a rule which says exactly what we want:

As soon as he comes through the door, we want our child to put his coat on the peg, take off his shoes and put them away neatly, and take his school bag to his room.

We also set up rewards and consequences:

One reward will simply be Descriptive Praise: we will mention and praise what the child does right. We also decide that nothing else, including snack, games, etc, will happen until all the belongings are placed where they should be. The snack and the game are the rewards for following the rule. Delay of the snack or game is the consequence for not following the rule immediately.

A Rule Without a Consequence is Just a Wish or a Nag

Children need to know that something unpleasant will happen if they do not follow the rule. They also need to know that they cannot have what they want until they do follow the rule. This way, children will take the rule seriously. The best consequences are immediate and relate to the misbehaviour. Major misbehaviours, for example being violent towards adults, need a much more serious consequence than minor misbehaviours, such as the one in the example above.

Rewarding a child for following a rule shows him that we appreciate his good behaviour. The best reward is simply Descriptive Praise. It is immediate, effective and does not cost us any money! We can also reward with time to play with us, more time for the child to play by himself, earning pocket money, etc.

Earning Privileges and Rewards

It is much better to get the child to earn his privileges and rewards by following the rules, rather than to give him privileges and toys and then take them away from him when he misbehaves.

At first, a child may follow our rules just to please us, or to earn the reward or avoid the consequence. Gradually, following the rules becomes a habit, and forms a part of the everyday routine. The child learns to behave according to our set of values, and gradually those values become his own. (In our example above, the child will learn, over time, to take care of his property and to be tidy and organised.) This is just what we want!

How do we Establish a New Rule?

The first step in establishing rules is to get together with all the adults involved with your child and decide on the best rule or routine for you and your family. The rule you will decide on will depend on your culture, your lifestyle, your beliefs and your temperament. After all, you are the people who will need to follow it through!

Once you all decide on the rule you want, you need to introduce it to your child. It is best to introduce a rule by asking questions about what you want, rather than by explaining too much. You can find out more about how to do this from our article, Preparing for Success. At the end of the conversation, the child needs to explain the rule to you, so that everybody is sure that he knows what he needs to do and also what happens if he does or does not follow the rule.

Do not expect your child to like the new rule. Following rules requires children to make an effort in an area where they are not used to making an effort. If you were to leave it to them, most children would prefer misbehaving! If they didn’t, their behaviour would be perfect already, and you would not even need to be thinking about rules and routines.

Now that the rule has been established, put a reminder on the wall. Write down the details of the rule so that everyone can see and be reminded. Find opportunities to talk about the rule again and again. Get the child to tell you the rule, so that he gets used to the idea. Praise him whenever he says he will follow the rule.

Follow Through

Praise every step in the right direction, and put the rewards and consequences into practice. It is very important to be consistent, and to respond to every bit of good behaviour or misbehaviour. Otherwise, the child will learn that you don’t really mean what you say.

Following through every time is not easy. To be consistent, we need to be aware of the new rule all the time, and we need to be willing to deal with the child’s reaction to the rule and to the consequences. We must stay positive all the time and not blame the child or criticise him for breaking the rule. Instead, we just give the consequence we have already discussed with him.

Although it is sometimes tempting to let children get away with minor misbehaviour, this will have a negative effect on them in the long run. They will continue to misbehave and make you and other adults and children angry. People, including you, will enjoy being with them less and less. This is not good for their self-esteem. So you can see that you need to make sure that they behave properly for their own good!

Start with a Few Rules

We recommend that you start with just a few rules, rather than try to set rules for everything all at once. Once you experience success with the first few rules, then you can add more and more rules.

It is best to have rules or routines for everything that might otherwise become a problem. That way, the child will know what is expected of him and will know where his boundaries lie. Also, having many rules gives you the opportunity to praise your child for every rule that he is not breaking. It gives the child many chances to get things right!

As the growing child develops more and more common sense and internalises our values and habits, parents will need to set fewer and fewer rules. The child’s own values will be telling him the right thing to do.

More Examples of Rules and Consequences

You may want to put the following into place:-

• When your child finds it difficult to get ready for school on time in the morning, set the rule:
  • Children are only allowed to have breakfast after they are completely dressed and their bags are packed. If they finish all they need to do early enough, they can earn playing a game before leaving for school. A consequence of being late would be that they themselves will have to explain to the teacher why they are late.
• Give each child a chore to do in the house, according to his ability. The reward can simply be praise, or earning pocket money. If they do not complete the chore, the consequence is that they have not earned their pocket money.
• Make it a rule that watching TV or playing computer games can be earned after all homework is completed to the parents’ satisfaction. This reward is also an incentive for the child to do a good job on his homework. If homework is not completed on time and carefully, the consequence will be less or no time for TV.

Natural Consequences

Sometimes, even when a child is not doing what we want, we do not need to set up a rule or supply the consequence ourselves. Sometimes all we need to do is step back, say nothing, and let the child experience the natural consequences of his own behaviour.

Examples of situations where we might want to do that are:-

• Child forgetting his coat/lunch box/homework book/travel card etc.
• Child spilling food while eating.
• Child being late for an event which is not important to you personally.

Rushing to “rescue” the child takes away the child’s opportunity to learn from his own experience. Require the child to clear up his own messes himself, and to deal with his teachers’ or friends’ upset. This way, he is much more likely to remember his homework or reason to be on time in the future.

Save your energy for where it is needed: setting up the rules and routines that are really important to you!

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