It’s OK to be Angry

Is it Okay to be Angry?

Seeing your child consumed with fury is a horrible feeling for parents. So, is it OK for a child to be angry?

The short answer is yes, but it’s hard for parents to accept this as they struggle with their own emotions and all the questions raised by the anger and the behaviours that come with it.

Our instinct as loving, committed parents is to focus on how to stop the anger coming. Or when it erupts, to try to deter or discourage it, by meeting it with disapproval or disappointment. ("This behaviour is unacceptable and it’s got to stop" or "You’re letting everyone down when you do this" or "You’re being silly. There’s no need to make so much fuss".) Often we can end up adding fuel to the flames by getting angry ourselves, partly because we don’t know what else to do, and partly because we are feeling scared or guilty that we can’t help more.

However, we need to understand that all children (and adults) experience anger, as well as other negative emotions, such as jealousy and hatred. Some feel more than others. And anger isn’t always a bad thing. It can be perfectly justified and outrage can lead to action. When our children grow up, we will want them to be angry sometimes – at injustice, for example.

So, as parents, we CANNOT protect our children from these feelings, but we CAN help them.

Helping an Angry Child

We can work to ensure that our children’s self-esteem is protected and nurtured. We can find ways to keep our relationship with them positive and fulfilling. We can encourage and support our children to find safe, appropriate ways to vent negative emotions, so that it doesn’t become violent or aggressive, which can trap the child into a particular identity of being
"an angry child", or out-of-control, or troublesome or challenging.

Overall, the challenge is to show empathy with the child when they are angry – and to connect with them by acknowledging the anger, rather than simply focusing on the behaviour. This might sound like: "Boy, something has made you absolutely furious, you just want to yell and scream!" as opposed to "Don’t do that, calm down, or what’s the matter?"

When a child is engulfed with anger and we recognise and acknowledge this and we don’t deny it or belittle it, we don’t make the child wrong for having the feeling. If we unwittingly make our children wrong for having the feelings they are having, they experience the multiple "whammy" of having a negative feeling, believing they are "wrong" to have it, and wanting or thinking they have to hide it from others.

Appropriate Ways to Release Anger

Of course, the behaviours that come with anger are often not appropriate, and need re-directing via safe venting activities. But the feeling is valid. We make more progress on improving the behaviours, as well as protecting the overall self-esteem of the child, when we acknowledge this. There are several ways to release anger that are NOT dangerous or harmful.

For example, shredding paper, or scribbling wildly on it, punching a cushion, putting hands in shoes and stamping on the floor, or kicking leaves or even just learning to breathe from the abdomen or running cold water over your face.

To set this up, we need to find a quiet and private time to talk this through with the child, when they are calm and not under stress and ask them for their ideas about what they could do and what would feel good for them. When an idea comes from the child, it’s likely to suit them far better than any of our ideas, and also they’re likely to have a far greater commitment to it.

This might sound like: "Would it help to have something you ARE allowed to do when you’re angry? Do you have any ideas about something that would feel good, that doesn’t hurt anyone or anything in the house?" If they come up with an idea, praise them for being creative and proactive. If they struggle and are reluctant, we can empathise that it’s a sensitive issue and they may find it hard to talk about.

It’s equally challenging – but vitally important – to avoid positioning a child as "the angry one" or as "a difficult/challenging child". The first step is to move from thinking (let alone saying out loud!) that "you’re BEING a problem" to "you’re HAVING a problem".

The next step is to notice and comment every time a child shows self-control when they might otherwise flare up. This might sound like: "I saw that your brother really irritated you just now, yet you managed to walk away and not yell out at him. That’s real self-control" or "I reckon you’ve had a tough day, and yet you sat quietly in the car while I strapped your sister into her seat. That was patient and considerate too." Or "I notice you dropped your fork, but you just bent down quietly and picked it up. I notice you didn’t get angry at all."

This helps the child (and the parent) begin to see themselves as someone who CAN show patience, who CAN display self-control, and this is far more motivational for them in terms of continuing their efforts to learn about themselves and grow.

Any progress should also be noted and commented on. This might sound like: "Last week, it took nearly an hour for you to calm down enough to talk to me clearly. Today it was much shorter, that’s real progress".

This helps keep a positive approach and atmosphere with the emphasis on looking ahead, rather than dwelling on the past, and means that each small milestone along the way becomes significant and used as a stepping stone towards the next one.

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