Teaching Independence and Self-Reliance

Self-Reliance Builds Confidence

Self-reliant children can do things for themselves and for others without too much help from adults, and without being reminded. They also think independently, and come up with their own solutions and strategies for dealing with new challenges. Once they find a strategy, they often take action themselves, rather than asking for help with every minor decision they have to make.

The ability to deal successfully with everyday situations, whether these situations are familiar or new, is one of the main building blocks of the child’s self-esteem and confidence. Confidence is all about knowing you can handle challenges. It is the attitude of "I can do it!" or "I never did this before, but I can give it a try!"

Self-Reliance Follows Co-Operation

A large measure of self-reliance follows naturally from co-operation. This is how it happens: When children are in the habit of doing what they are told, and when we tell them to do the same thing each day (because we have a routine), after a while they will start to follow the routine even before we give them the instruction. For example, if we always insist that children wash their hands before a meal, quite soon all we have to say is "Supper time", and the children will go and wash their hands.

Most parents are aware of the importance of teaching their child to be independent, but still do far too much for their children. Even though we could be teaching our children to get dressed, eat independently, take care of their belongings, organise their social activities and manage their time and money, many of us don’t do it. Day after day, year after year, we spend endless hours performing unnecessary tasks for our children, ending up feeling exhausted, drained and often resentful.

In This Article

In this article we are going to explore ways of teaching and training our children to be independent. But before we demonstrate how we can do this, we will look in more detail at the types of skills that are useful for children to develop. We will also think about some of the other advantages of having self-reliant children. We will also look at the obstacles that often stop us from teaching and training our children to be more independent, and look at ways to overcome these obstacles.

This article will cover:-

1. Useful skills
2. Many advantages to fostering self-reliance
3. Obstacles
4. Overcoming obstacles
5. How to teach and train

Useful Skills

Let’s first look at some areas where training our children to be self-reliant would be useful for them and for us. For each area we will start with what they can learn to do when they are younger and carry on to what they can achieve as teenagers:-

• Be independent with food: learning to eat without being fed by us, learning to pour their own drink and cut their own food, make their school lunches, and later cook whole meals for themselves and the family.
• Being responsible for what they wear: learning to get dressed and tie their shoe laces, choosing what to wear every day. Eventually, as teenagers they can shop independently for their clothes, using their own budget. They can learn to take care of their clothes: wash, iron and mend them.
• Be in charge of their personal hygiene: learn to take a shower or bath on their own, including washing their hair. Later on they need to get into the habit of doing this without being reminded.
• Keep their room and the house clean: starting from simple tasks like clearing the table after a meal, and putting their dirty clothes in the laundry basket. Later on hoovering, washing up, cleaning windows, mowing the lawn, etc.
• Manage money: starting from making their pocket money last all week, then saving towards bigger purchases. Then moving on to managing an allowance that includes all their expenses, and doing small jobs to supplement it.
• Organisation and time-management skills: pack their school bag for the next day, arrange their out-of-school activities, and eventually plan their schedule so that they can fit in both work and fun activities, and make sure that they have all they need for each task.

2. Many Advantages to Fostering Self-reliance

We have already mentioned how being self-reliant increases our child’s self-esteem. However, this is not the only benefit of self-reliance. Here are some more of the benefits:-

• The parents’ lives become calmer, easier and happier.

When our children do more and more for themselves and for others, and contribute to household chores, we don’t need to work as much. We don’t have to constantly feed, clean, cook, get children dressed and entertain them. We don’t need to remember their PE kit, their lunch box and their after-school activities. We can relax much more, and have more time to rest and do the things we enjoy doing, either with our children or on our own!

• Our relationships with our children become calmer, easier and happier.

We don’t need to give many instructions, or remind, nag and complain about what our children do or don’t do. Children hate and resent being nagged and criticised by their parents and teachers. By teaching and training children to do things on their own, we will have opportunities to praise rather then criticise, and to show how proud we are rather than to complain. The atmosphere at home will become much more positive.

• Children develop better skills

A child who can to do things for himself is more likely to be able to tackle even more new tasks at home and outside. For example, his communication skills are more developed, as his parents don’t do his talking for him. His organisation skills are better, as he has learned to take care of his own belongings. He is not just more confident, but also more able!

3. Obstacles

Looking at all the obvious benefits of fostering self-reliance, how come so many of us still do far too much for our children? Why don’t we teach and train our children to be independent as soon as they are able to learn? Let’s look at some of the obstacles on our way to fostering self-reliance in our children.

• As parents, of course, we perform most tasks faster than our children. Sometimes we just don’t have the patience to wait for our child to do things, such as put on his coat or tie his shoelaces. We want to get it done quickly and move on to the next thing. We also know that we can do a much better job than our children on most tasks. In the short term, it is easier for us to do it than to teach the children to do it.
• We underestimate our child’s ability and motivation to learn. Also, we sometimes don’t know how to teach and train in a way that so that motivate the child to learn, and are worried about his possible reaction if we ask him to do things he might not like.
• We love our children, so we want to do things for them. We want to feel needed and valued by them for our effort. We would like to be good parents, and we may believe that doing things for our children is part of our job.
• Some people keep themselves busy by doing things for their children so that they can avoid dealing with their own life issues, including their own adult relationships.

4.Overcoming Obstacles

It is worthwhile for us to address these worries, so that we can free ourselves to support our children’s learning and enjoy all the benefits that go with it. Let’s discuss ways to get over the obstacles outlined above.

1. Indeed, we are usually faster than our children and better than them at performing various tasks. This is especially true when children are resistant to doing what we ask. However, if we keep on doing things for our children, they will not get enough opportunity to improve. Although it may not be easy in the short term, if we do make the time to teach our children to be more self-reliant, we will see the benefits soon. It is also useful to allow more time for everyday tasks, such as getting ready for school in the morning. That way we are less likely to get impatient and stressed, and do it for the child. Gradually, our children will become more skilled, and gradually their speed will improve as well. It is also possible, over time, to require children to perform to a much higher standard than many people realise. We will talk later about how this can be done.
2. Children are much more able than we realise. They will be motivated to learn if we set up the new task so that they can succeed, and if we keep praising their efforts as well as their achievements. Teaching children to do new things can be a very rewarding and exciting activity for both parents and children.
3. Loving our children and doing things for them are not the same! Children who get too many things done for them learn to expect our help and take it for granted: Rather than appreciate us and what we do for them, they value us less and less. After all, if we don’t value our time and effort, why should they? They might also resent us for not giving them enough opportunities to do things their own way. It is not our job to do things for our children that they can do for themselves. Teaching children to be independent will actually make us better parents!
4. If we are aware that we are using child-care tasksas a way to fill our time or avoid dealing with other relationship issues, we are already one step in the right direction. We need to also recognise that it is not fair on our children to have to fill this purpose in our lives, and that they might grow to resent it. The way out of this situation is, of course, to honestly face our own issues, whatever they are, possibly with outside help. In the meantime, it is very useful to find more things we enjoy doing separately from our children, perhaps seeing friends, or taking up a new hobby, so that not all our energy is focused on our children.

5. How to Teach and Train

Now that we are ready to invest in getting our children to be more self-reliant, how do we do it?

There are two steps on the way to self-reliance:-

• Teaching the child the new skill.
• Training the child, so that using the new skill becomes a habit.

First, it is necessary for our child to be able to do what we require, and to a good enough standard. This is the reason we need to teach him.

However, knowing what to do and how to do it are not enough. The child also needs to be trained, so that doing the right thing becomes a habit. Many times we make the mistake of assuming that our child will just do the right thing, because he knows how to do it. This rarely ever works in practice. A common example is that even when children know how to brush their teeth, many are not in the habit of doing it without reminder.

How do we teach our children new skills?

Here are some ideas that work:-

As you know by now, we always start by Preparing For Success

• Be realistic about what you expect the child to be able to learn. If you are not sure what your child is capable of, just teach one more step on from what your child is doing right now. When the child finds that easy, you can teach the next step. It is much better to go slowly and succeed than to expect too much and fail.
• Make enough time for teaching. Choose a time when you are not in a rush.
• When we are teaching new skills:- Remember that you have to be there to teach. Telling your child what you want him to do and walking off rarely works.
• Break the task you want to teach into smaller, achievable steps, while keeping the final target in mind.
• Decide on the order you want to teach these steps. For example, sometimes it is easier to teach the last step of the task before we teach the first steps.
• Remind yourself to be positive, and useDescriptive Praise both for effort and for achievement. You can pretend you are a teacher, rather than a parent. That will help you to stay calm.
• Slowly and patiently, demonstrate what you want the child to do.
• Ask your child to do what you have just showed him.
• If the task is still difficult, break it to even smaller steps and practise each separately. Be willing to go very slowly.
• Review the child’s work and suggest improvements. Praise constantly: for not giving up, for being patient and willing to learn.
• If your child isn’t learning, think of other ways to teach him. Different people learn differently.
• You may ask your child what will make it easier for him to do the task. Sometimes children know how they can learn. But don’t expect the child to always have an answer.
• Once your child has managed to perform the task, ask him to do it again a few more times so that he has a chance to practice with you supervising.
• Don’t assume that if a child can do something one day, he will necessarily be able to do it again the next day. You will probably need to have him practise the task again and again.
• Use everyday situations as opportunities for teaching. There is a useful lesson to be learned from almost every situation.
• Teaching children can be great fun! It can be an excellent quality time, and an opportunity to celebrate your child’s achievements.

For example:-

• To teach your child to zip his coat, button a button or tie his shoe laces, you can sit down and put the coat, shirt or shoe on the table. Practice the steps one by one. You might want to start some of the tasks, and let the child finish them. When your child is confident, and it might take a few days, get him to do the same while wearing the clothes.
• Using public transport can be taught step by step. First go on the bus with the child a few times and sit next to him, asking questions about where to get off, what to do if he gets confused, etc.. Then go on the bus with him but have him buy his own ticket and sit separately. Next have him get on by himself and go just one stop, and be waiting for him when he gets off. Then have him make longer and longer journeys, with you waiting at the other end.
• You can teach various social skills by using role play, taking turns playing the various parts. For example, you can have your child practice saying hello to someone when he is introduced, asking for assistance in a shop or answering the telephone. If you keep being positive this can be great fun!

Once your child knows how to carry out a task, you can train him so that he gets into the habit of doing what you require:-

• Explain to your child clearly that you want him to do this job from now on. Don’t be tempted to still do things for him!
• Create Rules, Routines, Rewards and Consequences to help him remember what he needs to do, and be motivated to do it. (Please refer to the Rules, Routines, Rewards and Consequences article if you need to.)
• Require your children to do their best. You need to stay around for a while and supervise to check that that your child is doing his best.
• Keep praising effort, achievements and his newly acquired independence.
• Don’t rescue your child from the consequences of his actions. It is not your job to make everything OK for him. (Please refer to the Rules, Routines, Rewards and Consequences article if you need to.)
• When a child can carry out a task, but is still very slow, you can help him to speed up by using a timer and getting him to try and break his own record. Most children love that, and improve dramatically.

Examples:-

• To get your child to brush his teeth before going to bed, together you and he can make a list of all the things your child needs to do before going to bed. Put the list up so that he can look at it as a reminder. If the child can’t read, you can use pictures. In the beginning, you need to be present to see that he does everything on his list. You need to praise every item he remembers to do. Once habits are established, you can be there less and less.
• Make it easier for your child to get organised by preparing for the next day as a part of the evening routine. If he still forgets his lunch-money, homework book or PE kit at home, let him deal with the consequences. He will be much more motivated to learn this way.

Having an independent child doesn’t mean you can never again do things for him! When his independence is established, you can sometimes do things for him as a treat. He can also do things for you from time to time! You will both appreciate each other much more when you have a choice about what you do for each other.

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