Descriptive Praise

Motivate with Descriptive Praise

One of the best ways to motivate children, teenagers and adults is to use a skill called Descriptive Praise. This means to notice and describe exactly the good or OK or just-barely-OK behaviour we want them to do more of.

Why Superlatives Don’t Work

Most parents do praise their children and teens. Parents say things like ‘excellent’, ‘wonderful’, ‘well done’ or ‘good boy’. This is of course far better than criticising or not praising at all. Unfortunately, many children, especially teenagers,don’t actually believe this kind of superlative praise. They know that they haven’t done anything particularly excellent or wonderful. So they assume parents say these things just because they
love them. Another problem with this over-the-top praise is that it doesn’t give children or teens clear information about how to do things right to get more appreciation from their parents.

Instead of praising children with superlatives, as in the examples above, we recommend that parents use Descriptive Praise, which is much more believable.

Examples of Descriptive Praise

Here are some examples of Descriptive Praise:-

• Thanks for ringing to say you’d be late.”
• “I asked you to clear the table. You did it straightaway.”
• “You sat down and just got on with your homework. I didn’t need to remind you about it.”

As you can see from these examples, Descriptive Praise needs to be specific. Giving specific praise requires a bit more effort from us because we have to pay attention to what our child is doing. You may also have noticed that the Descriptive Praise in the above examples was for little, everyday actions. If we praise only when our children achieve something significant, most children wouldn’t be praised every day because they are not doing something amazing every day. We recommend that each parent Descriptively Praise each member of the family at least ten times every day.

The Benefits of Descriptive Praise

When we do remember to Descriptively Praise ten or more times a day, we can expect the following benefits:-

• The atmosphere at home becomes calmer and more relaxed, as children and teens feel more appreciated.
• Children and teenagers want to please their parents (even though it sometimes doesn’t seem like it). The more we Descriptively Praise, the more they can see that they can please us, and the more they learn exactly what pleases us. The result is they become more and more cooperative and more and more motivated.
• Many parents report that just the very act of looking for actions to Descriptively Praise makes them appreciate their children more. Parents suddenly become aware of all the things that they like about their children that previously they took for granted.
• Because the Descriptive Praise describes what actually happened, the child or teenager is more likely to believe it. This will increase his self-confidence.

When to use Descriptive Praise

Descriptive Praise doesn’t always feel easy at first. Parents of teenagers, especially, may encounter some resistance. Teenagers may complain that their parents are ‘treating them like babies’ or ‘patronising’ them. It is useful to remember the following:

• Only Descriptively Praise behaviours that are not yet a habit. If your teenager brushes his teeth every day without reminders, you wouldn’t comment on it. That is because Descriptively Praising behaviour that your child or teen has already mastered would feel insulting. The solution is to Descriptively Praise whenever your teenager does something that he often argues about or resists doing.
• When you want to Descriptively Praise but are worried they may think it sounds weird, you can say:
  • “This may sound silly to you, but I really appreciate that you hung your coat on the peg instead of leaving it on the chair.”
  • “You may think it’s strange of me to say this, but I really want you to know how pleased I am. For the past few weeks you’ve been remembering to bring home all your equipment from school every day.”

The Results of Descriptive Praise

Once you are looking for OK behaviour, you will start noticing your child or teen following rules that you know they didn’t really want to comply with. Also you will notice your children co-operating without arguing, whereas in the past they would have argued. We need to show that we appreciate their willingness. For example:

• “You told me you really don’t like your History project, but you’ve shown maturity by getting on with it anyway.”
• “A little brother bothering you is probably not much fun, but you’re not shouting at him. You’re being patient.”
• “It’s very considerate of you to come with me even though I know you’d rather be with your friends.”

Descriptively Praise Effort

Let’s not only Descriptively Praise achievements. We need to also praise effort. And we can mention positive qualities of character that we see in the child. This helps our children and teens to develop a positive self-image. Some useful qualities to Descriptively Praise are cooperation, maturity, organisation, self-reliance, being considerate and being respectful.

How to Descriptively Praise Younger Children

When Descriptively Praising younger children, it is helpful to be enthusiastic in our facial expression and tone of voice. This is not so appropriate with teenagers because it often embarrasses them.

How to Descriptively Praise Teens

With teens it often works better to use a low-key, conversational tone.

At first, you may find it feels more comfortable to Descriptively Praise your teenager while doing something else, for example while driving. The teen may feel less self-conscious when they can avoid direct eye-contact without seeming rude.

Descriptively Praise Even Slight Improvement

We also recommend that you Descriptively Praise behaviour that is a slight improvement but is not yet as good as you would like it to be. For example, if your child often shouts and slams the door when he is upset, and you notice that this time he shouted but he didn’t slam the door, you can Descriptively Praise this (a bit later when everyone’s calmer).

You might say:

• “I could see you were very upset, but you didn’t slam the door. You controlled yourself.”

This way of communicating seems unnatural to many parents. It might even seem wrong not to tell your child off when he’s clearly done something wrong. It feels natural and seems justified to tell the child off or to threaten or to shout!

Descriptive Praise When Telling Off!

There will of course be times when you will need to talk to your child or teenager about his misbehaviour. Even so, we would still advise you to Descriptively Praise whatever you possibly can, for two reasons:

• Descriptive Praise is far more effective than telling off for motivating anyone to change behaviour. Telling off only makes the child (and us) more upset.
• Learning to behave properly is a long process. It is unrealistic to expect our children to change overnight. If we Descriptively Praise every little step in the right direction (for example not slamming the door, just shouting), more and more little steps will follow. Gradually, the child will behave more and more sensibly. She will develop good habits. If we expect too much too quickly, we will all be disappointed.

Learning to Descriptively Praise may not be easy at first. Most of us have been in the habit of giving negative attention to misbehaviour for years. We have also been in the habit of taking positive behaviour for granted and therefore ignoring it a lot of the time. It will take a while to change our habits. The more we practise Descriptive Praise, the easier it will become for us, and the sooner we will master this new skill.

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